Noodles and Beef

Saddened by the sudden loss of my friend Jack, a.k.a. Tank. Jack was an incredibly sweet, shy, sensitive person who had an endless reserve of affection and wanted to see the best in people. I'm heartbroken that I won't get to see him grow old, mature as a person, and develop fully into himself, like I know he would have if he had been given more time.

Jack was in a highly visible BDSM relationship structured around one master controlling him and several other submissive "pups"-- a relationship that exuded suspect power dynamics and has for years been scrutinized by third parties online. Like many who had an opinion about it, I can't say I knew all the inner workings of Jack's personal life. But I can and will say that Jack described this relationship as abusive and manipulative to me, during a time when he was single and had been cast out of the fold by his master.

He later returned to the relationship, taking back everything he'd told me in a bizarre prepared statement, and abruptly cut off contact with me and a number of other outside friends. I wish deeply that I had been a better friend to Jack and made more of an effort to reach out after being cut off.

I'm not certain of the cause of death, but there has been some understandable speculation (given that he was a seemingly healthy 28 year old) that it may have been related to the silicone injections in his scrotum that Jack had gotten to please his master. Whether or not it was a factor his death, Jack expressed regret over those injections to me. He told me the silicone made sexual function incredibly difficult and that the body modification was impossible to reverse, effectively leaving him impotent.

He had been transformed into a trophy, salivated over and validated by strangers on social media and men in bear spaces, but in private he felt disconnected from his body. During the time we spent together, he was going through a heavy bout of body dysmorphia due to steroid withdrawal, as the drugs he'd taken to attain his "perfect" body shape had been provided (and then withheld) by his master. I can't help but think that Jack might still be here if not for everything his body went through while he was working so hard to attain the approval of the one person who mattered most to him.

I hope that Jack's passing inspires people in our communities to dialogue and think more critically on the topics of body dysmorphia (and the danger of enabling it), silicone, and abusive relationships. I try not to judge people's decisions about their bodies, and generally support everyone's right to self-actualize through surgery and body modification. But there's a point at which body positivity can obfuscate what's really happening, which is turning a blind eye to unhealthy and dangerous behavior. Likewise, while I fully support everyone's freedom to participate in consensual dom/sub relationships, it's not okay to ignore warning signs of harmful, toxic relationship dynamics just because it's within the context of BDSM.

Noodles and Beef, Tank Heathcliff Hafertepen Dylan Hafertepen Chuck Osborn Matthew Scott Pup Angus Daniel Balderas Hafertepen Phil Myers Branded Bull Tank Property of Master Dylan emotional abuse physical abuse sexual abuse manipulative relationship

Keep an eye out for your friends, and try to be there for them when they need you, even if it means voicing an unpopular opinion. R.I.P. Jack. 💔